Sincerely, The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction
by Fanfiction Love 2006
Summary: Harry and company have some choices and decisions to own up to! Let's follow and see just what things are on some of the minds of those behind the magic of fanfiction, Harry Potter style.
1. Dear Harry,

_The ongoing _**Disclaimer**_ that I will only say once: NOT- MINE! Got the idea from _glitterfall's "Dear Blank, Sincerely Blank" _and_ "Dear People of Fanfiction," _who, by the way, gave me permission to do my own spin off. No, I don't have J.K Rowling's permission directly to twist these stories... but who does? XD We all do it anyway. :D_

_Read, laugh, snort, cough, smile, do whatever. Just review and enjoy! And you are more then welcome to submit your own throughout the story. ^^ Thanks for the read in!_

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Dear Harry Potter,

Why Ginny? I mean, seriously? Not only is she your backstabbing friend's sister, but she looks like your mother! Have an Oedipus Complex? Then again, with everything else in your life, that wouldn't be such a huge surprise...

No, seriously- it's gross! Either pick some other female or admit that you're a closet case.

Sincerely,

The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction


	2. Dear Luna,

Dear Luna Lovegood,

It's not that we don't love you; in fact, we adore you! You are sweet, if not a tad off your rocker, cute, if not a little sexy, and a great friend, if not a little confusing.

So, knowing you have our support and love, we want you to know you can trust us.

As friends, tell us the truth. When you say, "The nargles are infecting the hugglepies when the snorflax plants on the eve of the birthing of twigglebigs," you really mean, "Harry, Lord Voldemort's got the hotts for you and the only way to stop him is to go dark and let him f-ck the daylights out of you," don't you?

Sincerely,

The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction


	3. Dear Fred and George,

_3/17/11_

_Dear Fred and George Weasley,_

_All right already! Stop it! We _know_ you know about our fantasies! WE KNOW! So stop with the denial! God, seriously, it's _totally_ obvious. Even identical twins aren't 100 percent on the other's brainwave as both of you are. This "compatibility" requires a larger than normal connection. _

_That's expected though, since out of the entire Weasley clan only the other shares a similar desire of torment for humor- speaking of which, ever entertain the idea of following Harry over to the dark side? Think it over. Your mother can't tell you apart, your youngest brother is an idiot, the next oldest is a prick/suck up prat, and you don't even see the others (Charlie's gay, by the way. Just thought you might want to know.) And Ginny... ugh. Vagina. Enough said, right?_

_Trust us, we get the whole needing the other thing. We support you- so no more denial!_

_Anyway, you're both purebloods right? Incest is like... the thing now a days, right?_

_Sincerely Your Forever Faithful Friends,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_


	4. Dear Pansy,

_3/18/11_

_Dear Pansy Parkinson,_

_We've been wondering when you would notice a rather... obvious detail about the hero of your dreams, your Knight in Shining Armor, your every wet dream._

_Sadly, we've also come to the conclusion that you are far too gone in your fantasies to see reality for what it is. So, call this a friendly wake up call._

_Draco Malfoy spends more time looking at himself in the mirror than the whole of the Slytherin house combined. He whines and complains about getting dirty and relies on his father's power. He chooses to hang out with two males rather than any girls. Hell, he spends more time complaining about Harry that there is hardly a word out of his mouth that isn't about him. Potter this, and Potter that. Arg!_

_Get. A. Clue! Merlin! Pansy, your dearest Draco, the Slytherin Ice Prince, is **gay** for Harry Potter!_

_Don't believe us? Who do you think started those rumors about Draco's talents in bed during fourth year? Let us tell you, they most definately didn't have a vagina!_

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_


	5. Dear Tom,

_Sorry about the wait- this 'Error Type 2' thing was totally turning me off. DX Anyway, got this from Lomonaaeren's profile- hope it helps!_

_Click on your story's Edit button, then go to the URL and change _**"property"**_ to _**"content"**_.__ Though why we're having this error in the first place is pissing me off. *Mad Face*  
_

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_3/19/11_

_Dear Tom Riddle,_

_It's your name, get over it. The whole 'Lord Voldemort' thing is getting a little old. I mean, who wants to follow some snake faced guy whose tendency to torture his followers leads to the conclusion of him being a sadist who gets turned on by their screams of pain? Not me._

_Speaking of that, you know, there actually **is** a small following. Right now it consists of Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy. So if taking over the world doesn't pan out as you always hoped, you can take comfort in the fact that you won't be alone._

_Anyway, back to the original reason for this letter, my lord. Have you read this thing called fanfiction? They actually have a few good ideas. Obviously, the "Killing Harry Potter plan" hasn't had the best results- at all. I mean, seriously? You couldn't get him when he was a baby, or when he was eleven, or when he was twelve, or when he was fourteen, **or** when he was fifteen. Take the fucking hint! You cannot kill Harry Potter! You just **can't** do it!_

_So, in the light of these facts, let's look at this logically. You want to win the war. Most of us want you to win the war. Going after Harry Potter does not get this accomplished. So, what to do? _

_Simple. Have him join you. _

_You might not think that this is very logical, but try it out. You gain a lot from it. Not only do you get the weapon of the light on your side- a weapon that knows the names of those in the order **and** owns the property the order resides, you also get a consort, a powerful asset to the war, and one very hot piece of ass. What Dark Lord wouldn't want that?_

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_


	6. Dear Mentally Challenged,

_3/24/11_

_Dear Purebloods in General__,_

_So, how are you all doing? Just a few notes and questions if you don't mind._

_We're curious- and annoyed- at the whole naming thing. Think about it, doesn't using the same names get old? Lucius Abraxas Malfoy followed by Draco Lucius Malfoy followed by Scorpius Draco Malfoy- I mean, your just renaming all your kids after their fathers or giving them names of people passed away. I don't know about you, but that little detail would kind of weird me out. "Who are you named after?" "Oh, no one in particular, just a manipulative dead headmaster, a traitor of both the Dark and the Light side who got murdered in the line of 'duty', and a combination of a piss-poor family and the hero of the wizarding world. What about you?" Poor Albus Severus Weasley-Potter. We cry for you, truly we do._

_And what, tell us, **what** is with the whole incest thing? If we're correct, Sirius's parents were cousins, right? Or somewhere in the family. Not even first or second, but pure fricken cousins. And we all know what's going behind the closed curtains of the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, and let me tell you, it ain't inventions. Those screams are from something completely opposite disaster and distruction. Ever wonder why the wizarding world is slowly becoming more and more weak? Stop mixing the blood! In the wise words of an executive transvestite, you're "scraping the bottom of the barrel." The children will become squibs at this rate, or retards, or simply die early of diseases. Psht. We don't know what you're flaunting when you go out in public. The revealed nose hairs of a biologically deformed witch or wizard who is spoiled rotten and relies on their parents? Seriously, look into spreading the genes._

_Out of curiosity, is stubborn and snobbish stupidity bred into you all at birth? It's like you have a book for that shit. You've got nothing going for you but money, and anyone can make it. You are not above anyone else, believe us._

_And what's this whole blood supremacy? Hypothetically, assuming you didn't have the diseases and mental retardation all purebloods are apparently striving for, what do you have that makes you better than anyone else? Hermione is more intelligent than Draco Malfoy- Potions __protégé_, more courageous than Ron Weasley, and a far better leader than Dumbledore. See? It doesn't take 'pure' blood to be the best- in fact, mixed blood does the wizarding world some good. Look at the all mighty Lord Voldemort. He was a halfblood and had all of you sniveling and bending your backs in an instant. Look the the savior, Harry Potter. Take the hint. Jeeze. Lady Fate is only so patient with retards who can't get reoccurring hints.

_Speaking of bending backs and necks, how hypocritical. Holding yourself high in public than bowing a moment later to a person of 'lesser' blood. Pathetic. Stick to one point._

_Wow, wait, what am I thinking? Your mere existence is hypocritical. Every witch or wizard who has ever claimed at one point or another a purblood status is a complete fool. No one has pureblood. In the very beginning there was only humans- muggles. Yes, shudder at the thought. Magic came to be __by a mutation in the blood. Than again, mutation may be too strong of a word. Stain than, since creatures with 'mythical' abilities combined with muggles and created humans with such abilities. Want proof? Muggle and creatures created the 'pureblood' Veela. Ha! _

_These claims to pure blood and perfection... how pathetic. Come to us with new slogan and plan, one that is actually thought out and supported by facts._

_We've reached the end of our rants. Wait... does this mean... I think it does... Purebloods got **pwned**!_

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_


	7. Dear Professor Quirrell,

_3/28/11_

_Dear Professor Quirrell,_

_He-hey, p-p-professor. H-how are y-y-you d-d-d-d-doing?_

_Right, like we couldn't tell that your stutter was fake. Pfft. And for those who didn't, it's alright since you weren't in the book or movies a lot. Hell, even Hagrid had more screen time and page coverage than you. Now **that's** sad._

_Anyway, we're here because we're curious. Did you let Voldemort latch onto your soul like a leech, or did you not have a choice? We get it though. After all, how could you say no?_

_Aside from that though, did you two share a brain? If so, does that mean it's twice as pathetic that two full grown evil wizards couldn't kill an eleven year old Harry? Wow… the Dark Lord really needs to look into alternatives. Obviously the whole 'kill him!' thing isn't working like he hoped._

_Speaking of which, did you ever try to convince him? He couldn't have 'killed you for your insolence' since you two shared a body… (insert writer's shudder here). Does that mean that… you know, since he was on the back of your head… for a whole year… umm… curiosity forces us to ask… um… Okay, this is really awkward, but admit it. He watched to wipe your butt and shower each day, didn't he? Ew! __Even we, the hardcore writers of fanfiction, have to admit… that's gross!_

_After all of that, you can't truly say you hadn't grown closer. __Now now, don't play Lucius Malfoy's customary, "One does _not_ get _**close**_ to the Dark Lord," dribble when asked about their private 'torture' sessions. Puh-lease. No one buys that. Admit it! You've had some interesting moments with him._

_Don't worry Professor, we won't tell anyone. Promise. Not a soul._

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_

**_Envelope Address:_**

**_Rita Skeeter  
Writer for the __Daily Prophet_**


	8. Dear Ministry of Magic,

Have any of you voted on the poll on my page? No? Well, there's time. All the time in the world. You know what? Take as much time as you need. In fact, I'll wait to post the next chapter until your done, just so you don't feel pressured. XDDDD

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_4-4-11_

_Dear Ministry of Magic,_

_How sad is it that the control of all magic in wizarding Britain with its army of Aurors and Unspeakables can't capture one escaped criminal. Yeah, we can give said convict credit, since he did escape an impenetrable island in the middle of nowhere surrounded by soul hungry dark beasts, but still._

_With all the strength, magic, and knowledge at your disposal, how is it that none of you realized that an owl with a letter addressed to the criminal on the run will lead you straight to Sirius Black?_

_Yeah, and you wonder why people question the power and intelligence of the Ministry of Magic. We support Voldemort just to get you idiots out of office._

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction;_

_The Mugwump Party_

_"Voldemort for Minister of Magic!"_


	9. Dear Percy,

_4/4/11_

_Dear Percy Weasley,_

_Is that stick permanently stuck up your arse or do you just put it in every morning after your daily shower?_

_Get your nose out of the Minister's own arse, you brown-nosed wanker! What kind of person ditches his family? Now we see were Ron get's it from._

_Yes, we know you were a Prefect. Yes, we know you were Head Boy. Our question is, so what? Jeeze! You are more the enemy of us **than** the enemy. At least Voldemort, even at his most evil, isn't half as bad as you. Yes, we said it, "YOU DISAPOINT EVEN VOLDEMORT!"_

_We'll send him a postcard and ask him to Crucio you as our Christmas gift when we help him take over the world. Agreed? No? Good._

_Worst Wishes and a Happy Christmas,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction._


	10. Dear Voldemort,

2011年04月07日

_Dear Voldemort,_

_We've come to a shocking... and somewhat scary- no, scratch that- a positively terrifying realization._

_How many horcruxes did you create again? Let's see... there's the cup-chalice thingy, the Diadem, the diary, the ring, the snake, the locket, Harry Potter, and you- the master soul. So doesn't that make it eight soul pieces, not seven? Screwed up the whole 'greatest magical number' shit, didn't it?_

_Anyway, before you ask, no, that is not what horrifies us. It is what this means that troubles us. When you look back on the active horcruxes (and of course in the term active, we mean the horcruxes we see in action such as Nagini, the locket, the diary, Harry Potter, and you), you realize that they are in fact **you**. They have grown their own forms to look and act exactly as you did when you were alive and at the time you created each individual one._

_Where getting there, calm down._

_What's interesting is that each of your horcruxes have been destroyed. We like to think that the soul parts might have merged back with you, the master soul, but the term 'destroy' completely blows that idea right out of the water, doesn't it? Harry and his friends, the famous Golden Trio, **destroyed** your horcruxes. Does that mean they went to horcrux heaven? Or, most likely, horcrux hell?_

_Now **this**, my Lord, is what we would like to draw your attention to. When the points are put together, there is really only one conclusion to come to. There are seven dead Tom Riddles waiting for you on the other side._

_That is a fate not even an Evil!Harry Potter would wish upon you. For your fate, we are dearly sorry, my lord. We feel your pain._

_Think about** that** before you try to kill Harry Potter once more._

_Sincerely,_

_The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction_

* * *

_Next Day's Daily Prophet:_

_**LORD VOLDEMORT SURRENDERS!**_


	11. Dear Hermione,

2011年05月10日

_Dear Hermione Granger,_

_Hermione, Herms, Mione, genius, whatever they are calling you these days, right?_

_You're brilliant! Truly! A mind beyond grasp- maybe even for Voldemort. You capacity for theory os astounding, but so is your close-mindedness._

_Think about it! You're a witch! With magic, a broom, and we have a crooked nose in the books somewhere. How can you keep pushing some of your muggle ideals on Harry and the rest of the magical world?_

_That's not to say we hate you- some of us don't, some of us do. It's a love hate relationship thing; don't bother to think on it. We just need you to stop some of your... how do you say... righteous crusade. Tone down the know-it-all attitude. And by Merlin, relax!_

_House elves live to serve magic being! Why do you think that even when Dobby was freed that he kept trying to help Harry- besides being grateful? It's a part of them, magically binding. Let it go._

_We know your smart- stop shoving it in the faces of others. Yes, thank you for helping Harry- Merlin knows he couldn't have done it without you, but your entire life is one, "No Harry, it's this" and "No Ron, you're wrong." It's more than just helping, it's about being right all the time. Stop it. That is what makes you some enemies._

_Relax! You are far too uptight. Yeah, you're a muggleborn, but that is good. You don't have the lewd disease from insistent inbreeding- nor the downward spiral of intelligence and magical ability that accompanies it. You hare smart and powerful, and clean. You can start anew with only your mind. Spend more time enjoying the experience and less time ding what you think you should. Everyone is entitled to happy times. Look at Voldmort. All work and no play makes Tom into a snake-faced bastard._

_That's all we wanted to say. Now, for god sakes, stop pining over Ron and actually act! It took you seven years to get together? Five if we get rid of the truly innocent age when girls still had cooties and boys were icky._

_Sincerely,_

_The friendly (for once) readers and writers of fanfiction._

_P.S. We swear, if you send an uptight letter back correcting our grammar or contradicting us, we will totally ensure that you end up with Draco Malfoy in a lot of rated M fanfictions, so help us Merlin! _(Not that you don't already...)


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